Private Swiss bank discovers vault contents ‘quietly relocated overnight’, single note left in their place

Note reads, in full, ‘you didn't need it as much as you thought’.

A private Swiss bank has confirmed the contents of its most secure vault, believed to include the private holdings of several casino operators, were “quietly relocated” overnight during a citywide power outage that coincided, the bank notes “purely coincidentally,” with a heavyweight boxing match being broadcast to every screen in the building.

Investigators say the vault door shows no signs of forced entry, and that a group of individuals, numbering, by most counts, around eleven, seen on nearby camera footage that night have since proven “difficult to locate,” despite several of them, oddly, having dined together at a well-reviewed restaurant the week before, an evening one waiter recalled as “a genuinely lovely table, very charming, excellent tippers.”

A single note left inside the otherwise empty vault reads, in full, “you didn't need it as much as you thought,” which auditors describe as “unhelpful, as a piece of evidence, but weirdly not wrong.”

The bank has pledged a full review of its security. “A group of that size shouldn't have been able to move that quietly,” said one investigator, in what a colleague later called “the nicest thing anyone's said about them all week.”