Village fete cancelled for ‘excessive normality’

Organisers confirmed this year's fete will not go ahead, citing what a leaked internal memo described as “a sustained and worsening absence of incident.” Attendance figures, compiled by a resident with a clipboard and, by his own admission, “a lot of free time,” show a forty per cent year-on-year decline in anything happening at all.

“Nothing happened last year either,” said the committee chair, speaking from what she described as “a place of real disappointment in this village.” “We used to have standards. Someone's uncle would fall in the pond. There'd be a small fire. Now there's just a raffle, and frankly the raffle isn't even that good.”

A working group, the Fete Renewal Taskforce, has been convened to identify at least one small scandal in time for 2027. It meets fortnightly, has no budget, and is, according to its own terms of reference, “not currently making progress, but aware of the problem, which the Taskforce considers a first step.”

Residents wishing to nominate an incident for consideration are asked to write in. As of Tuesday, the Taskforce had received two letters, one withdrawn.