Reform UK Investigates Itself, Finds Itself Delightful

"We looked into ourselves extremely hard, and what we found, frankly, was marvellous," the inquiry is understood to have concluded, according to the inquiry, which was also the thing being inquired into.

The self-examination lasted most of an afternoon. It was conducted in a room with the blinds down, by men who had agreed in advance to be fair to themselves, and who recused themselves from nothing on the grounds that recusal is a Brussels concept. Minutes were taken by the person the minutes were about, which saved everybody a great deal of time and one envelope.

The findings run to one page. Page one clears everybody. There is no page two, because a second page would imply the first had left something out, and the whole point of an internal inquiry is that it arrives with its conclusion already warm.

Britain has quietly got used to this. Every institution in the country now marks its own homework and gives itself a merit sticker, and the only real variation is handwriting. Football does it. Banking does it. The water companies do it while standing in the river. This newspaper does it constantly, awards itself a prize every spring, and we are not going to pretend otherwise at this late stage.

The advisers, who remain in post and remain advisers, have been described as vindicated, exonerated, and (in one briefing) actively owed an apology by the public, possibly in cash, possibly in a short televised ceremony with a brass band.

You cannot even be angry about it any more, which is the genuinely impressive part. We have reached the stage of national life where accountability is a product you buy from yourself, at a price you set, from a shop you own, and then review five stars under a different name.

What nobody has said out loud is the simplest thing: a man who is allowed to decide whether he has done anything wrong will, in the end, discover that he has not, and he will be faintly hurt that you asked.