This week's post bag

The radiator business raises a question your valuers skirted entirely. If the fittings are worth more than the building, then by the same arithmetic my shed contains roughly four of my house, and I would like somebody from the parish to come and confirm this in writing before I tell my brother-in-law, who has been smug since 2014. I am not asking for money. I am asking for a sentence on headed paper saying the shed counts.

Could somebody explain why the hand dryer in the gents at the sports pavilion starts before you reach it and stops the moment you arrive. I have approached it slowly, quickly, sideways and once walking backwards, and it has an opinion about me that it has never had the courage to state. My hands have been wet since September. I will be in the car park on Thursday if anyone wishes to discuss this properly.

There is a car park at the surgery end of the village where the white lines were repainted in August, and whoever did it has invented a space that does not exist. It is four feet wide and it has a drain in it. I have watched a man in a estate car attempt it twice, reverse out, and sit for a while with his hands on the wheel. If the lines are now the authority on where a car can go, then I would like the lines to come and park it themselves.

The breakdancing business has settled something I have wondered about for eleven years. I have driven past that hall on a Tuesday and seen them going at it through the glass, and I always assumed they were simply warming up for something that never arrived. Now I learn there was a destination all along and nobody thought to put it on the noticeboard. I would have come. I would have brought a chair.

Can we talk about the new bin lorry and its reversing noise, which has been changed from a beep to a sort of melodic warble, as though the vehicle is pleased with itself. A beep tells you a large object is coming backwards. A warble tells you nothing except that somebody in an office has had a lovely morning. I was happier when the machinery sounded like it meant it.