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T. Hobbs & Son, family-run since 1994, all boiler makes serviced, no job too small except the ones we've decided are too small. Free quotes, same-week call-out, Gas Safe registered, and we will absolutely mention the Gas Safe registration at least four times while we're in your kitchen. Ask for the one who actually answers the phone, not his brother.

One garden gnome, ceramic, approximately 40cm, fishing rod missing, answers to ‘Trevor’, will not answer to anything else, we've tried. Last seen on the front wall facing the road, then facing the hedge, which nobody in this house did and which we are choosing not to think too hard about. Small reward for safe return, no questions asked about the facing situation.

Cross-trainer, folding, barely marked, £60 ono, originally £340 in the January sales. Used four times, three of which were to move it so the hoover could get past. Comes with the original manual, still in its shrink wrap, and a very specific kind of guilt that is not included but tends to travel with it. Buyer collects, cash only, no timewasters, no January-resolution talk please.

A reliable eyewitness who was actually at the fete and is prepared to say, on the record, what they saw near the coconut shy at approximately 2:40pm. Discretion guaranteed on our end, though we make no promises about the rest of the village. Reward is our undying gratitude and, if it comes to it, a credited mention as ‘a concerned resident’.

One (1) allotment, plot 14, fully weeded as of last Tuesday, results may vary by the time you read this. Comes with three raised beds, a shed of debatable structural integrity, and a strongly held opinion from the neighbouring plot-holder about how you should be doing it, delivered whether requested or not. Genuine reason for parting with it: I no longer recognise the person who thought this was a good idea.